Woke up disoriented. Yes I was out at the bar from lunch till dusk again. Don't like getting like that. Rode in to the village on my mountain bike at 6a.m. in ass frigid cold but it felt good somehow. Running off the road when a cop car goes by and then getting the horn by a motorist that needed to warn me of crossing the intersection on a red light. I must remind myself to get on the exercise resolution I made the first of the new year. Keeping the body in motion really clears the mind and I have forgotten how that feels. It seems that the past 10 or 12 years have been set in total lethargy. All things must change however. All that really makes me happy is when I am immersed in music or thought. Nothing matters when you loose yourself in a flow such as singing or creating abstract images on a computer. I like the Zen like state these activities put me in. But life is about suffering no matter how I like to avoid this fact. A society that constantly shields itself against any form of unhappiness makes one somewhat confused about their path. Don’t we have a constitutional right to be happy after all? Don't we deserve to be free of any suffering or discomfort? No, we just hurtle along at the ever-increasing pace of modern life without really thinking about what it is to be alive. What it is to be afraid in life. What it is to be alive. I don’t just want to be a dead person that stumbles thru life without really taking in all these questions and doubts. But the trends I see show that humanity wants its instant gratification and lust for youth. What does the awake and feeling individual do in these times? Well it certainly helps to be aware and know yourself. The only people I can relate to anymore are individuals with real self awareness and genuinely luminous souls. But these individuals seem to be far and few between as I age. Life goes on as they say.
Grey and listless day today. Looks like holeing up most of the day sort of thing.